Speaking of Somnolence
It's been almost a decade since I wrote this set of poems and I still thought of it sometimes, before I eventually dug it out and read its proper contents, and thought to myself 'some parts make me cringe'. Then I realized I have the freewill to revise whichever passage and no one would ever even know the original lines, at least not the ones who once came in contact with the original media, whom at this point are close to nowhere near here.
As cringe and generic as the lexicon probably sounded, I thought it was quite impressive that I could make it somewhat rhyme without having it sound like a nursery rhyme. Or not, I don't know, I'm no literature expert. I think in a way that rhyming exercise alongside the many others before that influenced my present day writing style, and I still thank myself for sticking to it and finding joys out of it.
I clearly remembered back then that I was writing whatever came to mind late at night in a half-asleep, sad and gloomy state alongside a KBBI and browser of sinonim kata to keep me company during that lonely lockdown. It was supposed to be some poems for an Indonesian class assignment on romantic poems, of which rules I have forgotten, alongside the many examples of literature that the teacher had also presented, but I had a specific person in mind that I wished to write them for.
Maybe he went through it, maybe not, maybe this worsened things, maybe alongside everything else I made it in fact did, I'm not sure. I do however remember the humiliation that came after the moment I poured out my thoughts and feelings to him. I was made into a dog to do for him anything, as I have said, "for you I would anything and be given nothing in return. Then again, would I do it all?"
And the moment I gave up, he seemed to have told nearly everyone he knew about it: his seemingly sympathetic company at first, my ever-growing obsession and infatuation over him, and my inability to march as one of his kind at the time. An alien in the skin of one barely able to be female. Tainting my reputation as we went. This was all apparent to me in the final year as I saw someone then attempting to manipulate me the same way he had. Disturbing as it was, I'm glad the thought only surfaced later in life.
I still think about him sometimes to this day and how he lives about guilt free, as if he was justified to humiliate me. Regardless, I will have to forever be haunted by the fact that I was unable to properly navigate my relationship and that was what led to my demise just as the many onwards. And if anything, I'm glad he was able to get on with life and forget about me just as he has probably forgotten all subjects including this one chapter in the Indonesian class we had back then.