The Unnatural World
I always hated touching on mental illness especially knowing how it always ends up sounding petty and attention seeking. One of these days I might have to go see some therapist but nah I'm rawdogging it. But I think we can agree that it's just ridiculous how some band can really speak for one's thoughts.
Have A Nice Life. Good slaps, badass riffs, who wouldn't enjoy vibing to the feeling of waging a war or going into a fight? Albeit, fairly grimm lyrics. Sometimes I wonder if it is the relatability that got people hooked or the their good instrumentals. The former is rather concerning, but I'm afraid I'm a part of it.
I touched on their Deathconciousness album once, but truth be told I still know barely anything about it as much as I understand what their lyrics gramatically mean - maybe what I'm trying to say is that I do get their point but I cannot feel their point.
One that really spoke for me though is The Unnatural World and Time of Land. I'll probably go into the latter next time. Sure there are existing, possibly official analysis out there, but I'd like to talk about it from my own understanding.
Track 1: Guggenheim Wax Museum
Wanting to feel alive while wanting to die is a funny dilemma.
The album starts off with this track, which I'd like to believe represents the world as a place filled with the dead. 'A vigilant digger will dig my grave' could be a wish that the narrator could be brought back to life, further emphasised by the later line 'I wish I was alive' which man if that isn't me, this monotony is taking a toll on me and it would be nice to be able to feel alive, 'but no one really is' could be the narrator's reminder to himself that that wish will never come true. For whatever reason that might be is up to our interpretation, but I'd like to believe it's the narrator's acceptance that for as long as we live we'll have to conform to what we already know and live a corpse-like life.
Track 2: Defenestration Song
Funny name, throwing someone out of a window for whatever reason.
'I never thought I'd lead this restless life/I thought I'd wither down, a sacrifice' honestly, same. Many times I'd like to give up but I'm surprised I was able to reach this far. As much as I'd still like to call quits despite having gone so far, I don't think I can or will out of existing responsibilities. But knowing that I always handle things until it's through and realizing im still alive to this day still fascinates me, as if I'm pointing some sort of middle finger towards my suicidal counterpart.
And again I have to say that as much as I'd like to stop, I don't think it's possible. With that I guess this is how we have to live; out of spite, begging the question 'Is this what it's like/ Is this what it's going to be like?'
Track 3: Burial Society
It would be nice at least take a break, many disappear for only a day, instead of struggling daily for no clear reason.
I've mentioned this once: I don't know what I'm living for, I'm only here because I can. Having no actual motive besides the obligation to wake up daily is surreal. 'It isn't real but it feels real', but personally it's been vice versa - it is real but it doesn't feel real.
'Cut my wrists, slit my throat, take this body and string it up' edgy, I know. Very graphic, but in a way empowering, like a dare or a taunt towards whoever it is intended towards, in this case the suicidal counterpart. If it wanted me dead it should have been the one to do it, and of course I'll never know what it actually feels like until it does it for the both of us.
'And I’ll never know what you said, because I’ll be fucking dead by then' too bad many things have to be left unsaid, from and to others. A lot I'd like to say may end up falling flat, or even unheard of out of poor timing or just poor speech. and as trivial as it may be, being abandoned to wonder what another has to say is extremely frustrating. If I can't have anything, at least let me have some knowledge.
Track 4: Music Will Untune The Sky
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
An intrumental-only track with some harmonious screams that go AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, but unfortunately not as phenomenal as the instrumental track back in their debut album. I get the impression that they were attempting to imintate their previous work, but sadly to a poorer output.
I think there's some truth to it. Somewhere (sorry I forgot where) it was mentioned that the album was made in the shadow of their debut as some attempt to please fans and reach to the standards of their first work, but to a poor attempt. As much as I also felt that mediocrity, the lyrics still speak very well.
Track 5: Corpsey
'A sign that I’ve been praying for/A solemn augur, pure and true/To tell me what to do/A true god that I can settle for/And spin my body in a long, slow arc/Like how my problems are'
This might be one of the some examples of them touching on Christianity, or at least in this case religion because the lyrics are rather vague. They're refering to god, but of what kind we don't know. But I can say the same in the case that I've been praying a lot yet I don't know what is to come and I can only surrender as I try. Whether even it is to my best, I doubt so anymore.
Again, I do not know my purpose, 'a true god i can settle for' could mean a fallout of a certain faith to find another, but personally I find that I'd like to find something else to actually live for so my turmoils feel somewhat slightly more bearable.
'Cause I’ve been waiting on anyone/To show up and throw me out of here/Yeah, I’ve been waiting on anyone (Because I don’t belong!)'
Going back to the 3rd track, I can't do it myself, I need someone else to do it for me. I need someone to throw me out of here. I once mentioned the potential of kinning this Yozo guy from Mishima's No Longer Human, which is still true. I don't think I really feel like one of you people. In fact it barely feels like I belong anywhere. Any group I mingle with I've come to learn to wait for the time to be set aside, thrown out instead.
'A song/That I can sing along/Well, I’ll just wait and track the soot-tracks/Home so I can be alone'
At least one thing I can call my own, something I can sing along to. I don't know what that is, but maybe I'll eventually find it.
Track 6: Dan and Tim, Reunited by Faith
'I feel so designed, so made to know/That there is no place in time in backwards-flow/And this is all there is' I too feel like I am made to know. There is a lot I am curious about, but sadly time doesn't flow backwards leaving us no choice but to comply with what exists and never to redo the past and understand its entire set of outcomes. 'I just close my eyes; this is all there is' I think we can all agree that the dreamscape is at least more pleasant, with no need to worry or struggle for anything.
'I'm calling but no one is standing at the river bank calling out my name' as much as I try to seek for help, it doesnt seem like anyone is there to respond. Sure they might listen, but a lot of the times it is as if they are emotionally absent.
'I can feel my influence' the things I do undoubtedly affect others. I'm glad that there is at least some mark that I can leave, but it comes with a toll, that is having to withhold a certain image, and when I mess up I'll always end up 'living on my guilt', which I find that I do too often.
Track 7: Emptiness Will Eat The Witch
No matter how hard I try, I know it is never enough. There is another better than me. As much as I understand that it is no use comparing oneself to another, sometimes I worry that I will never reach my fullest potential.
As much as I write and write and write on and on and on and on, I dont think it may reach the anyone it is intended towards at all. In fact, I doubt anyone would even read them, but then again, I am no one to anyone. I am no one at all, so it is also true, who am I to point that out?
tldr; i want to feel alive, but sometimes i'd prefer to cease from exsiting, too bad i have responsibilities to handle, leaving me to be forced to accept some fate, to say it is a cruel one would be an overstatement.