One Million Rupiahs
One million rupiahs. Roughly an estimate of 60 USD by today's standard. At one point I could've sworn, and stupidly still believe, it was and still rounds up to nearly an estimate of dear Uncle Sam's 100 bucks. Enough for a single person's one month expense, or enough for at least some basic necessities like food and maybe some bills, not even gas and transport. Nonetheless, it's still a significant amount, especially for a college student with all kinds of unnecessary necessities.
One million rupiahs. That one message that otherwise mediocre afternoon from him. A final year architect student back then. His old laptop was running slow, something was wrong with it - at least that's what he said. Something along the lines of it. By all things and time passed by I had forgotten what exactly he told me, let alone what he sounds like anymore.
One million rupiahs. That is a lot, actually. I thought it was common sense that if someone was in a rough financial position, any thought of all sorts of lavish expenses should be laid off until eventual recovery, or at least one should double reconsider their possible purchasing, or at the very least seek all sorts of other kinds of alternatives that does not necessarily require new purchasing. I thought it was very basic common sense too that if I had the thought, I should have the heart to let him know.
One million rupiahs. The cost of a suture enough to mend broken pieces of hearts like the remaining of his that has been eaten out at so much, if he even had any even remaining. I think he didn't have the heart to tell me that was the case. With how many pieces of mine has also snapped throughout the years I wish that I could have just mended his with those broken pieces instead of whatever fancy tool that costed that much. I'm surprised my heart is still intact.
One million rupiahs. There I was, sitting dumbfounded at what I had just done. Never did I imagine I would have stooped this low. Never did he imagine he would have also done the same by begging for money to his own lover. I have sacrificed my own needs over his, and him of having to even ask of that much - money that he probably actually didn't even need.
'One million rupiahs. More, in fact. I'll pay it back, I promise.' Oh so valiant, honorable, chivalrous, gallant, noble knightly him. Him in his effort to mask this profound shame he had so long suppressed by juggling between meaningless consumerism, inefficient work, and social hierarchies, all to hide his meekly, cowardly, spineless contour of the sissy bastard he was, unable of any conviction or the matter that he wouldn't even admit.
'One million rupiahs, that's it. It's alright. Just pay back whenever.' Oh so graceful, elegant, generous, motherly and saintly of me. Me in my effort to convince him that I was still lovable and and worthy of his time and effort and presence, all to hide myself from my indescribable rage and rot that had long plagued me and worsened with the shame for ever having him in my life and being broken beyond salvation thanks to him, by distracting myself with the same him.
One million rupiahs. All that just to hear 'you're the best. I love you.' Those three words he uttered just months before finally coming around with a new girlfriend, no longer bringing anything up afterwards. Unlike my parents who coincidentally brought it up, 'you haven't had any friends loaned any money from you, have you?' to which I lied, just as he easily blurted his 'oh how was I supposed to contact her when she's deleted her account?' that his mate told me.
One million rupiahs will be worth nothing soon to a foreseeable inflation. His attitude has long worth nothing prior to our economic inflation. Ramadhan's just passed, I'm no Muslim but seasons of forgiving I guess. Good Friday is coming up soon too, Jesus died for our sins to forgive mankind, so double the forgiveness I guess. I'll have to assume it was an act of charity to save my stupid arse.