Disqualified from Personhood
Mine has been a life of much shame - Osamu Dazai
I understood how Dazai felt when the realization finally dawned on me: that I had never been a proper person to begin with. For that, I no longer want to be.
"äººé–“å¤±æ ¼". No longer human, disqualified as a human being, a failed human. Inhumane. I hate that I can deeply relate to him in a sense. To realize that one has never been able to properly relate to others and only donned a facade of a person - miserably and horribly failing in the process, causing only trouble and harm towards others, falling into substance abuse or any other sort of distraction to then suppress all feelings of guilt and shame only to further succumb into the abysmal discomfort of humiliation in one's own undignified existence. That makes me wonder how everyone else runs about their days as a person.
For a while I've had this thought: "there is humanity, and there is also personhood." The state of humanity and personhood are two different things. I've always understood humanity as the state of being human, and all things related to the human nature: benevolence, selflessness, compassion and virtue, sentience and conscience, intellect and intelligence, all in the image of God. Personhood on the other hand can be understood as the quality of being an individual person, a sense of self-importance and self-realization, much like an ego, shaped by one's own understanding of the self and establishment to their environment and surrounding social circle by one's own ability to connect and interact with others.
'Manusia adalah makhluk sosial'. I've heard this many times before in defense to collectivism. I can't deny we were supposed to function in groups. It's what makes humanity humane, people their own unique persons, human beings people. Among them are the inhumane who wear skins of people, on the extreme end, there is humanity donned on without skin. Can we find that human without a person? An empty shell with disregard to all construct of an ego? Humanity in its purest form?
On some days that is what I think of, and that is what I wish to become. My selfless wish is also paradoxically the most selfish that I have, I think. For the longest time I understood that in whatever I did, I'd like to do it for the benefit of everyone, or at least I'd like to try my best to do no harm. Unfortunately, with a defective sense of self, whatever good I did was an attempt of stroking my own ego. I only cared about others in the way of how I was perceived by them: "if I do nice, they'll think of me nicely, that makes me feel nice". It was an attempt to cover up all other kinds of insecurities I didn't want to admit that I have. When these cracks slip up and I see what reminds me of what I hate in myself, I end up with plenty interpersonal conflict.
On regretting this I decided to myself, "I no longer want to become, I would like to rid myself of all sense of self." I flung myself into the opposite end in an attempt to then understand people as they are and rid myself of all ego that may hinder me. Unfortunately this process led me to understand that people will not always be like me, they will not be what I thought of them to be, and that they will not always see eye to eye or have the same intentions as I do. This frustration, reinforced by over-understanding, overanalyzing and overaccommodating to others, coupled with the lack of assertion within myself, again led to another heap of unnecessary conflict.
In a sense this is still very selfish of me. To rid myself of all person in me in hopes of achieving some sort of self realization, is still an effort to fulfill a desire within myself. To expect things of others that I expect of myself despite being unable to achieve them, is double standard in itself. To be unable to properly address issues in spite of expecting some mutual understanding, is just cowardly regardless of whether it is the norm to avoid direct confrontation between distant acquaintances. To be upset over things I cannot control, is in a way an effort to gain control over things as a egoistic compensation for being unable to control my own self.
I understand that I messed up. I have caused much harm, I have brought upon myself shame after shame and I have ruined my relationship with those I wish I could've got along with, all thanks to my confusion and selfishness. "Such humiliation I have caused towards myself," I have lost the respect of the people I know. I am no longer able to prove anything towards anyone. It cannot be helped either, not everyone will be kind and forgiving, and not everyone has it in themselves to freely give out respect and compassion. Not everyone will have the same capacity for maturity and self awareness, or the desire to achieve equanimity and temperance. So I thought, expecting for repentance is a lost cause. Those I can no longer face will still loom over me. Envy gnashes its teeth and resentment sharpens its claws. Hostility is served like bread and butter and the art of war is my cutlery and utensil. Genuinity is ridiculed where cunningness is routine. My own comrades are my enemies and my brothers and sisters in arms will not spare me even a finger. Competition is masked as collaboration and colleagues of the same class are no more than heaps of crabs in the same bucket.
I do not want to fight against anyone or wage any war among ourselves. I do not want to hold any resentment against my peers. Anger, at the end of the day, is just a tough concealment for the very delicate feeling of fear. No one wants to be weak and vulnerable, I cannot blame them either. People use whatever means they have to survive. If it is an anathema that has helped them, that is what they will continue to bear. If malison is what has guided them, they'd gladly go on reciting it. Everyone has one, I too have my own.
I no longer want to hold any malice. If every step I take is closely studied, every visible improvement is contested, and every minor mistake is scorned, I'd rather be alone than partake in anyone's petty folly anymore. I will seclude myself and they will still come for me to criticize whatever I do. I have now terminated myself from all present activities and that will never the last for them. If they wish me ill then that is what will be granted to them, because if academically terminating myself isn't enough I might as well entirely terminate my existence.
Words spread like wild fire and people are easy to believe. I am spited and ostracized and I will continue to be so. If they despise me, I will in my best effort minimize all trouble I can cause. Loneliness will be my punishment and I will accept it. I will gladly do so because I no longer want to be among them either. With this, self-reliance is mandatory and finding strength from within is necessary. My ego is inevitable and I will have to persevere. I will have to outbest myself to be the person I can be proud of. Unfortunately, my voiceless struggle becomes as an insult and my seclusion their derogation. Deep down I want to be someone they can accept by being someone I am proud of. This ideal person might exceed what is typical and I do not want to take pleasure in being superior. I do not want anyone to grow envious of my efforts. I want to be able to walk alongside my peers in disregard to all states of quality. I truly wish they could find it within themselves to outbest no one but themselves too. Beyond that, I truly want all the best for my peers but I am sad that they cannot find it within themselves to wish the same.
The thought of everything devoured me whole so socially isolating myself was no longer enough. I decided to do it physically too. I have decided to no longer attend classes for the time being and I want to minimize all interactions with my peers. I do not understand how to face them and let them know they are cause of my misery, or more so, that I am the cause of my own misery.
I will never really know what is really going on in anyone else's mind. Maybe this is the consequence of being sensitive. Maybe this assumption I made was built on an effort to preserve myself, or maybe an attempt to prevent something similar from happening in the future. Maybe as much as I fear everyone else, I also fear myself.
My cowardice towards my peers and myself has lead me to flee from them. Any attempts to apologize towards everyone else is just a petty mask to apologize towards myself for bringing myself shame once more. I have once again troubled my remaining friends, my classmates, my professors, the administrational staff, and my family.
Nasi sudah menjadi bubur, tepung sudah menjadi roti, santan sudah menjadi minyak, daging sudah menjadi dendeng. Everything has happened and I am sad that things cannot be the way they once were. I cannot get along with my peers because I know what they are like and vice versa. Even if both sides have changed I don't think either sides are willing to compromise.
"Dengan keputusan ini, Anda yakin hal yang sama tidak akan terulang?" it is inevitable. I will have to learn how to put up with them. I cannot run away from facing people. "Dari dulu udah ada, dek, dan sampai nanti pun akan tetap ada... yang penting adalah cara kamu menghadapinya," I understand. In this regards I have failed to navigate my feelings towards my peers and I have failed to regulate myself. I may never understand what is going on in others' mind and if I continue to live by this assumption towards others, I will not live a single day in peace. How do I start minding other people less? How do I maintain a good boundary between concerning myself and concerning others? I know that as long as I don't cope with this, I will suffer.
For that, I would like to step back to understand myself and others, and I would like to relearn how to communicate. I can't just forever shun myself out even though I will mess up over and over in the process. I have to learn and relearn like a person should. Maybe after this I can be a better person and also make new friends. Maybe all things will heal with time and we can forgive and forget.
To everyone involved, I would like to thank you for your understanding and patience. To everyone I have inconvenienced, I'm still sorry for causing you so. I wish you all the best.