21st Birthday
"Hey mom, I won't be home for my birthday this year."
But I forgot to tell her, I will be spending it miserably as if I haven't always been so.
Out of a classmate's persuasion, I had signed up for a student outbound that semester to fulfill our credits. 'What could go wrong?' I thought, 'this should hopefully be more civilized than putting up with abstract community development work programs,' or so I thought.
Shower. Breakfast. Refill water. Walk to campus. Attend lab. Fill out report book. Purchase today's lunch. Walk to dorm. Cook for dinner. Progress on presentation slides. Spend night leisurely.
A few damn simple tasks. If my days were this simple I shouldn't have be so miserable weren't it for my difficulty with my damn roommates and their 4D chess games and theirs with me and my social incompetence and us with our probable undiagnosed personality disorders.
At that point I would have rather been anywhere else because I was merely sharing a roof with people whom I had no mutual affability, yet we persist and so did I on survival mode. Any hour where I had the entire room to myself was peace on earth but like earth as it is, peace is a luxury and that luxury I could only afford till dusk that day.
It had been raining heavily and the sky only cleared up around sunset. 'Let me set aside the stuff in a fridge for a bit first,' she huddled around with her groceries in hand. 'For you, I heard it's good,' abruptly as she placed a couple packs of chocolate cookies on the dining table which had somehow been previously, unanimously and unspokenly agreed as a workstation for night time.
Thank you for your generosity. I chow down every pack immediately as my sign of gratitude. A strange one for them, probably. All this while they busy themselves with the fridge contents. I should probably be helping. Alas, I was too tired to give a shit where I would probably be given a shit - them and their strange antiques.
The sun was still setting and here we were sitting by the window which was also next to the dining table, just quietly admiring the sunset while we consumed dinner. Strange day, I thought. It had been raining heavily as if the sky was the one crying out my anguish, and then it was radiating orange as if it was trying to make use of itself with its remaining limited time, a parallel to my desperate attempts of proving utilitarianism.
Night fell and everyone had completed their business for the day. I was looking forward to the clock striking midnight for no reason but to wish myself a simple happy birthday. The light was dim and the night was quiet.
In between doom scrolling and text messaging, I would occasionally find one of them coming up to me, asking 'what's wrong? why aren't you going to bed yet?' to which I could only wonder, oh now you're nice?
But I didn't want to think too much of it. I wanted to drown all head noises, consequently I'd drown the quiet of the night. There at the dining table, listening to strange playlists I had once curated - not even for myself, but as a stupid attempt to convey a stupid message towards stupid people who didn't care. Pity, pity bastard. How far we've come.
Among the noise in the dark, with a single warm balcony light flickering towards its demise, it was for once peaceful. Until the clock stroked midnight. A surprise celebration.
What the hell is this?
I never asked for this. Out of everyone I could've received it from. Cynical as I was, I had to accept their pleasantries and unwillingly consent to being recorded in a disheveled state - they'll probably upload this on their Instagram story for their mutuals to see and get conversations out of it. Ironically, the fun they have in this is not celebrating an acquaintance's special day but making a joke out of the scene they made out of it.
Blinding epilepsy-triggering lights and a happy birthday tune sung by tone-deaf ears, tiny cake in hand and a strange offer to chug down a 350ml can of 5% Dry Asahi beer as what is probably a coming-of-age symbolism, followed by a picture taking session which I'd rather not have taken for its insincerity, ending the night with an 'enjoy your beer', alone in silence again.
Bottoms up, indeed. Here's the one chance to properly chug down my misery. Empty in a few minutes, followed by an entire 2 liter of water in less than 30 minutes as a dehydration prophylactic (I'm not the best medical student), all to be met with a severe case of vertigo and an abysmal sense of hollowness.
Of course, they're doing this to get something out of it, they're just doing it because they feel bad for forgetting it. They had no responsibility to celebrate it, really. My previous birthday wasn't celebrated during my time with them either. I never once mentioned my birthdate so they wouldn't pay any mind but whatever, I'll return the favour by buying them some fancy meal.
I'm only willing to spend so much because I feel like losing everything. I'm so close to losing my soul but I have to live on. Here's to the 21st year lived and many more to come.